Photo Description: Codee’s scared BitMoji is sitting next to a scared Emoji.
This week hasn’t been super eventful. Outside of the normal skype with Dad and my list of chores, I haven’t done anything worth blogging about.
Or at least that’s what i thought until Emily FaceTimed me after I got home from medical fitness on Tuesday afternoon. We somehow got into a conversation about things that scare us. The story I shared with her was one from my childhood. After telling it, I realised I could compare how I dealt with fear back then, to the way I deal with it now.
In my childhood house under the staircase, on a wall was the place where our electricity meter lived. I don’t know if monthly contracts were a thing back then. I just understood that the monster of a meter under our stairs was always hungry. Hungry for the 50 pence coins that my parents had to put in It to ensure our house had an electricity supply. One 50 pence coin would provide a small number of hours of electricity. At the moment you were almost out of time, the meter would make an obnoxious ticking noise to let you know it was hungry for more 50p coins. If you didn’t feed it, it would plumet you into darkness. Yes, even at night time. It didn’t care. No food for the meter, no lights for the humans.
I’m not sure if the visual impairment or the autistic brain helped to create the fear. Whatever it was, the ticking noise would send me into complete panic and i’d be yelling at my parents for them to get up and find 50p. Was it the ticking that scared me? Or the knowledge that I wouldn’t be able to see anything if the monster under the stairs plumeted the house into darkness?
Now I’m older, I realise it was scary because I had zero control of the situation.
I’ve been experiencing some of that same anxiety when attending medical fitness. When my nurse gave me the info I needed to make my first appointment, I think we both had the idea that it would be one on one with a physio. That isn’t the case. Fitness is done in small groups with a physio who walks from person to person, checking that they are doing exercises correctly while making sure they feel ok.
For me that’s a challenge. The noises made in a gym – mostly by the gym equipment – is disorientating when you have less vision and hearing. Due to lack of eyesight, it’s also not safe for me to move around the gym by myself. Walking into a piece of moving gym equipment while someone uses it, may cause a physical accident. Then there’s other challenges I have while using a piece of equipment. I have to count repetitions and sets. Make sure there’s an appropriate ammount of rest time between each set. On some equipment I can’t read timers, so can’t see how long I’ve been handbiking or cycling. I have to concentrate on my breathing, I tend to hold my breathe while doing something that costs energy. I’m not always aware I’m doing it and that’s not really safe. I also have to make sure I don’t hyper extend my hyper mobile joints. I’m really not good at multi tasking.
Although I’ve been doing my best to manage all that multi tasking while exercising, I still need help to move to each piece of gym equipment. That means I have to wait for the physio to come help me. This takes a while if he is busy helping another group member. I can’t see or hear him when he walks away from me, so I’ve often felt quite anxious and isolated. Making me wonder whether fitness is even the best idea.
I need the exercise though, so I’ve talked about it with the physio and we came to some agreements. Such as standing after I’ve finished an exercise. That way he sees I need help.
This Tuesday was my first time back after spending six weeks recovering from Covid. When I got there, I learned that my regular physio wasn’t available and I was expected to do my routine on my own. When I explained to the physio at reception why this wouldn’t work, he said he would be working with a group and would help me in betwewn working with them.
A different physio with a different perspective on my illness and my capabilities was very helpful. I didn’t need to wait so long for help between exercises and he explained some things I’d been doing wrong while exercising. I felt more comfortable and confident. Less isolated.
As for the multi tasking; if I chose to continue doing fitness there, I might have to see if I can find a volunteer to help me with that.
It really helps to talk about fears and the feelings that come paired with them. It’s often the first step to slaying the monster that lives under the stairs.
CRS Life 